Suckiness Engineering


Everything sucks.

This is a website dedicated to engineering and programming: to learning why computers do what they do, to understanding how to trick them into doing what you want, and to making the world (or at least, the computer programs therein) better.

Yet nobody seems to realize everything sucks, so I cannot resist a diatribe.

Computers Suck

Before computers were even invented, scientists already knew there are some problems computers can never solve. (They all stem from the halting problem: writing Program A to run Program B and determine whether Program B has gotten into an infinite loop: Program A, an idiot like all computer programs, is doomed to sit idly by and twiddle its thumbs while Program B goes crazy and explodes.)

Computers are very bad at certain tasks, too, like organizing an airplane-confined salesperson’s itinerary. They know what to do, yet they insist on taking millions of years in which to do it: a rather inconvenient delay, since they are bound to break before they finish.

But it might be a good thing computers are so inept. If computers could organize efficient itineraries, they would also break all our encryption algorithms (since if you knew how to organize efficient itineraries you could use that knowledge to decipher encrypted text).

Computer Programs Suck

A current computer can run billions of calculations every second, and yet it still takes a minute from when I turn it on to when I have Google open. I implicitly run this same test on every computer I use, with different suites of programs (written by Apple, Microsoft, or freedom fighters), and the story is always the same. Wait, wait, wait. Except for the times when something breaks and I never get my Google prompt after all.

A lot of things can break, too: viruses can latch onto your computer, physical defects can infest it, or, more enraging, you can click on that one pixel the developers thought you would never click on, drag your mouse over three pixels to some other pixel they assumed you would miss, and let go. I do house calls to fix computer problems from time to time, and the most common annoyance I see is the Microsoft Windows taskbar floating to the left of the screen or toolbars in Microsoft Word floating nowhere in particular.

And then… the crashes. Oh, Lord, the crashes.

Then, not to be forgotten, the inevitable “security bug” dilemma, which can render your wonderful web server into a spam-sending turd in the span of five minutes. Most of these bugs are extremely stupid; yet because of the halting problem, computers cannot help us find them all.

User Interaction Sucks

“But wait!” you say. “What about Google? Google Search doesn’t suck, does it?”

Yes, it does. If Google Search did not suck there would be no need for the “Search” button because the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button would always take you exactly where you want. In fact, there would be no button at all, because there would be no text field, because Google would already know what you want. Even better, you would never need to open the Google website at all, as Google would simply infuse the knowledge into your mind a millisecond before you even realize you want it.

Keyboards and mice and user interfaces and web pages are the first signs of imperfection in our computer programs. They make the user do something, which sucks because the user wants the computer to do it.

I hate using computers, and you should, too. But assuming you are a programmer programming programs for non-programmers, never forget that your users hate using computers even more.

Where Engineering Comes In

Everything about computers sucks. But some aspects suck less. And therein lies my approach to software engineering. This is a rehash of textbook processes, yet I have never seen it written down with this wording: probably because textbook writers consider the word “suckiness” taboo.

To write a program:

  1. Define perfection. Because computers suck, perfection does not necessarily involve computers. Perfection involves users getting what they want with a minimum of hassle.
  2. Define and measure how far your program is from perfection: your “suckiness”, if you will.
  3. Remove as much suckiness as you can as quickly as you can.
  4. Repeat steps 1-3 until you have overspent your resources or your program’s suckiness level is below your acceptance threshold.

Good engineering is all about cycles. The cycles can have any length (1-2 week cycles seem to work in several contexts) and you can repeat as many times as you like. You can alter requirements (Step 1) and their priorities (Step 2) as often as you like, and you can run as many or as few cycles as you like.

In the spirit of negativity, here is what happens if you try to skip the above steps:

  1. If you neglect to define what you are trying to program, then you have implicitly decided to program “something”. And your “something” does exactly that, which is annoying because you realize soon afterwards that you meant for it to do what you want it to do, and meanwhile it is off “something”-ing. Then you need to change it.
  2. If you neglect to prioritize, you spend ten days working on Internet Explorer 4 compatibility or something equally unimportant (for your purposes), leaving the important work unfinished and untested.
  3. If you neglect to code, your code does not get written. More subtly (because more people seem to ignore it), if you neglect to test your code, your program’s suckiness does not change because you have no proof that the suckiness indeed did decrease as outlined in Steps 1 and 2. (How you test is up to you, but rest assured, you are testing.)
  4. If you never repeat your cycle, you never incorporate new insights into your process. If a piece of code turns out to be difficult (Step 3), you may want to reprioritize it (Step 2) or even drop it completely (Step 1). Conversely, if you have hit your goals, you can stop repeating and go outside and play, confident that your program does not suck as much as, say, remaining indoors.

It may seem cynical, but this loop is very effective at suckiness-removal. And that is what software engineering is all about.

Perfect programs belong to computer programmers. Proofs that they do cannot exist belong to computer scientists. Real programs for real people are, whether you like it or not, whether you realize it or not, generated through software engineering.

“Why are you telling me what to do?”

I am not telling you what to do. I am showing you what you do already.

Everything from basement-tinkered tools to bank security software is built in this same manner. Not just with computers: with everything we create. In fact, it can be carried to things we do not create. Evolution, for instance, is a constant striving towards the perfection of remaining alive, with priority number one being having lots of babies.

Don’t be a wooly mammoth. Engineer your software.